So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
