i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
