When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Randomize
