If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
are you so shy because you have an std?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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