god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
you traded sex for a burrito?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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