Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The Olympian is in my bed
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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