If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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