So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
cat food counts as protein by the way
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
