i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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