She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
