i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
whose ass print is on the piano?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
