I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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