Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
