once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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