it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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