just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
