Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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