If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
