so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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