i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
