guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
