How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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