i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
