I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Plan B is the new Plan A
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
