They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
