Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
