Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
