God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You had me at "let me see your balls"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
