Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
