no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
