My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
