I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
