Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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