I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
