i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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