I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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