Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
