So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She even gives head with a lisp.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
