can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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