My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I got inside last night via doggy door
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
