So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Randomize
