Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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