How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
