I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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