fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
