If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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