You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She even gives head with a lisp.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
