i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
ttyl tear gas
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
