i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
