it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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